Feenix: The Extreme Adventure
by Antiochus Psukiyaki
Summary: A parody of bad fanfiction, complete with Mary Sue self glorification, buckets of blood and gore, cheesy romance, ridiculous martial arts moves, Bill Gates, and, of course, a revengebased plot.


14

Feenix: The Extreme Adventure

Kayne Feenix stood in the hallway. It was a dark hallway, with bad lighting that sparked, and walls stained of blood. He was ready.

He recalled what had happened those nine weeks ago that had made him be here.

Those were younger, innocent days back then. He had just married his sweetheart, Delilia SwanBorne, and they had just bought an idyllic country cottage in the middle of a happy meadow with rabbits, flowers, sunshine, and rainbows. He had quit his job so all his days could be filled totally with frolicking, happiness, and love for the rest of his life, and they could spend their lives together. He would go and cut wood in the forest and do other rustic and manly things in addition to practicing the ancient Japanese art of Shinbobo-Botakomafu originally taught to him by the wise Japanese sage Kyokyaku Basamunofure-san. She would occupy her time doing womanly things like baking strawberry pies and knitting socks. It was a match made in heaven.

But on one fateful day, it all ripped apart.

He was relaxing on the porch with his sweetheart, the one and only one in his life. They were loving being together and enjoying being near each other and breathing the same night air.

"Oh my true love, I do love you dearly, oh you are the only one for me." He said.

"Oh yes this love is true live, the love that we feel." She said.

"We will feel even more love in bed tonight, because tonight is right for love". He said.

But then a crack broke the stillness of the evening. It came from the forest.

"Oh what is that, what could that possibly be?" She asked.

"That was a loud crack. I had better investigate it."

"Okey Dokey," she said.

Feenix got up out of his reclining lawn chair and walked off into the wilderness to check it out. He had gotten into the shadows in the woods, and looked and found nothing, when he thought he heard a scream!

"Oh no! It cannot be! DELILIA!!!!!!!"

He started running back to the cottage at full speed, his adrenaline pumping and his heart going into over drive. This couldn't be happening. Not at all.

When he arrived at the cottage, he could see that the place had been flooded by thirty Microsoft Bile-ninjas. They looked horrible, clad in their blue outfits and Bill Gates masks, each armed with a jagged lead pipe. No, he did not fear them. The only thing on his mind was Delilia, and if whether or not she was safe.

"DELILIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" He screamed in rage, full of anger.

The Bile-ninjas turned around as they noticed the onset of their real target. But they hadn't no time to attack because he was moving so fast. Before the first one could raise his pipe, Feenix cut off his head off with a single judo chop. Blood exploded and spewed out everywhere. His fellow Bile-ninjas were drenched in it before they could know what ever happened. Studying the ancient art of Shinbobo-Botakomafu had served him well.

The fifteen, but now fourteen, Bile-ninjas outside the house stood dumbfounded and in shock for a full minute, not doing anything while Feenix chopped five of them up into little bits with his judo chops. The other ten leaped at him swinging their lead pipes around, but Shinbobo-Botakomafu black-belt Kayne Feenix was way too fast for them. He dodged every single blow and cut up each attacker severely before he could dare swing again. Some ended up only hitting their comrades, a lot. After about two minutes, all of the entire fifteen Bile-ninjas in the squad outside his cottage were chopped up into little tiny bits and the area outside his cottage was covered in a bloody mess that was of the appearance and conistency of extra chunky tomato soup.

"I guess were not going to have soup tonight" remarked Feenix.

But he had not the time to stand around and talk. He had more important matters to attend to. "DELILIA!!!!!" He screamed, and ran indoors. But not before he took time to pick up a standard deck of regular normal playing cards up off a table.

Their, in the Living Room, were waiting the other fifteen Bile-Ninjas, who were arranged in a circle. From the center of that circle he heard an awful scream in a familiar voice. That voice was the voice of Delilia.

When he heard that he went into a blind, unstoppable rage. "DELILIA!!!! He screamed. No one ever was ever going to hurt his beloved Delilia, ever. So he pulled out his ordinary, regular deck of cards. But in his hands, that deck of cards was not just an ordinary deck of cards. For in his off time, when he was not practicing Shinbobo-Botakomafu, he liked to practice throwing cards a little. It was the deadliest weapon ever.

He started tossing out cards left and right, back and forth, like there was no tomorrow. He became a card tossing machine on automatic fire. He had gone through the whole deck in less than a minute. Cards were flying everywhere, and everywhere they struck there was much blood and death. The first ninja to lunge at him was cut in half where he stood. Another was beheaded by a single well-placed joker. Yet another was quartered into four pieces by nine well-aimed clubs. All of the ninjas exploded into blood, and their body parts flew around spreading blood everywhere. Pretty soon there was no piece left of the mighty Bile-ninjas larger than a breadbox.

Feenix stood there, panting and covered in blood. But despite his grand victory, he could see that all was not well. He. Had. Came. Too. Late.

There on the floor lied his beloeved Delilia, covered in blood. Not the blood of the Ninjas, no, but in her own blood. She was dying.

"Delilia, NO! Oh baby, NO!" Feenix ran over to her and knelt down. He could see that her belly had been ripped open by a jagged lead pipe, and that, to his astonishment, a baby had fallen out! His dear Delilia had been pregnant.

"Kayne, uh, I, uh, will, uh, always, uh, love, uh, aaaaggghhhh..." She said her last words.

Moved by sadness and stuff, Kayne Feenix immediately lifted Delilia up off the ground in his arms. While he was doing so, he was surprised to see another dead baby fall out. Twins!

He looked up into the sky and yelled with all that he could ever yell with.

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

He sounded just like Darth Vader.

He was not content with just that. He needed to really express his sadness. So he stomped, with Delilia in his arms outside of the cottage and looked straight up into the sky, and let loose with all of his heart and soul and spirit.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

While he stood there Nooing, his cottage exploded behind him in a huge, giant fireball. The ninjas had placed a bomb in there before they killed Delilia.

His entire life went up in flames on that fateful day.

On that very second he swore to revenge against Bill Gates, who had sent the ninjas.

Right afterwards he went to the second closest person in his whole life, his old friend the wise Japanese sage Kyokyaku Basamunofure-san, who had taught him the honorable ancient art of Shinbobo-Botakomafu, which would be the only thing, along with his card throwing ability, that would let him revenge against Bill gates. He consulted the master in his secluded mountain Dojo, on top of a mountain.

"What is it That you want, most honorable student-san?" asked the wise old master.

"I want to seek revenge against Bill Gates, who murdered my family." Said Feenix.

"Oh no! You're a-famry was a-murdered? By Birr Gates?"

"Yes. Thirty Bile ninjas tricked me outside my idyllic country cottage, and they infiltrated into the cottage and killed my dear beloved pregnant Delilia before I could get back in time to save her. I managed to kill them all with my Shinbobo-Botakomafu powers, but I was not fast enough to save Delilia. Now I must seek vengeance against Bill Gates, who surely ordered this attack."

"Oh! How Horribre! The Shinbobo-Botakomafu powers I taught you were of no avail in saving your famry! I am not a good sensei master-san! The dishonor is much too great for me to bear! I must commit seppuku!"

"No good master! Your powers saved my life! I will need you to avenge my losses. I need you! Please!"

"No! I must! I must! BANZAI!!!!!!!!!"

And right there and then Master Kyokyaku Basamunofure-sensei-san pulled out a katana and slitted his belly without showing emotion. His guts and intestines spilled out all over the ground, along with blood. Feenix could only look on in horror.

Now he knew he was alone in his quest, for good.

That all was why he was here.

Now, he waited in a maintenance corridor on the 32nd floor of a huge skyscraper in Seattle. A massive business deal was going down there between Microsoft and Sun Microsystems. Bile Gates was going to be there. He had come to finally enact his revenge, at last.

He took in a deep breath and stepped out of the rusty chamber. It was a bright hallway that he stepped into. He took a look around. Yep, this was the floor of where the transaction was going down. The grey skies shined in through the glass windows.

Suddenly, a Bile-Guard came up to him and spoke. "What're you doing here, you're not supposed to be here! This whole level is off limits to the likes of you. Get out of here."

The guard wore one of those same Bill Gates masks and wielded a jagged lead pipe in his hands, of the same type that was used to rip open Delililia's belly and expose his twin children. He couldn't take this crap any more. He emasculated the guard with one swift kick. As the guard shrieked and held the red spot in his trousers, Feenix chopped his brain in half with a karate chop. That silenced him really pretty quickly.

Time to move on. Feeenix quickly crept along the eerily empty hallway. Around the next corner, he ran into, almost literally, another Bile-Guard. But this one was armed with a computer monitor which he lugged with both hands.

"Hey you! STOP DERE!" He walked briskly towards me, being unable to run with his huge heavy monitor. "I'M-A GONNA GET YOU!"

He managed to toss the thing so it was headed right for Feenix. It was big, heavy, and Feenix didn't wanna get hit by it. So he didn't. He stepped aside in one single step, and avoided it completely. The monitor crashed and spilled out into a million pieces all over the carpet. Undeterred, Feenix headed right for the dumbgasted Bile-guard who could now not defend himself. One swift swipe to the stomach caused it to explode in a shower of blood and guts that caused it to spill all over the floor and get on Feenix's shoes, just like what happened to his poor wise master Kyokyaku Basamunofure-san.

Noe Feenix's adrenaline was pumping with blood. He ran and turned the next corner.

And there stood twenty whole Bile-Guards, each armed with a jagged lead pipe and a mean look on his face underneath those cursed Bill Gates masks. The sirens on their helmets were silently blaring. They all spoke in unison.

"Now you die. Death to all that oppose the wonderfulness of Bile-san. GET HIM!"

And so they all charged at Feenix in unison, pipes ready to strike. But he was ready also. In fact, he was much more ready than they were.

"No! It is only you who shall taste of death today! All of you! You and your beloved Bile-kun too! You will die a slow, slow death!" Feenix wittily responded.

And with that Feenix leapt fifteen feet into the air like an awesome angel dude, spun around once, and planted a kick right into the forehead of the group's leader, who was a Billtenant. As a result, his head exploded. In a shower of gore.

Feenix's feet landed on the chest of the Billgeant behind him, bringing the full force of the landing down on it, causing him to break cleanly in half. No sooner had his feet touched the floor than he started to spin around arms extended like a Poisonous Tree. This was a master technique of Shinbobo-Botakomafu, known as the Mokimakimuki Deathbladewind, and a secret technique of Master Kyokyaku Basamunofure-san. His body became like the blades of a weed whacker and the Bile-guards became like in a blender. He spun around in a whirl-tornado of death and destruction slicing and dicing his enemies up in a slurry of blood and little bits of brains and intestines along with other bodily fluids until there was nothing left at all of any of his enemies except little tiny meaty cubes no bigger than two inches square, that oozed blood all over the carpet. After that, he dusted off himself and said:

"Whoah. That technique had never ever been tested before on the field of battle. I guess I am the one who first tested it. Well, the test has been passed and has worked out right, since it was completely and totally effective. It was the most effective battle technique ever done. Poor old Master Kyokyaku Basamunofure-san was a genius."

But he had to get back to business. Moving right along.

He ran up to the two big brass doors that he thought would take him to the chamber containing his worst enemy of his entire life. When he looked in through the little windows, it turned out that they did. But they were locked. He could see that the big business deal was going down right now. And when he saw Bile-kun sitting on his little podium, with that cursed electric halo above his head, he spat all over himself. But even in his anger he noticed an enter-able feature: an overhead skylight. Time to get to work. He left the little brass window and went off looking for a way to get up there. After enthusiastically going around the area, which turned out to be a big square, he finally found a maintenance entrance. This was the entrance he came in on. He went through the door and into it, into the room he was in earlier. This caused memories to flood into him. Unpleasant memories. But he strongly fought these and kept his mind focused on the mission what was on hand. He clunked up two flights of stairs with heavy feet, but finally got to the top. He opened the door and ended up on the roof. It was only a short walk he walked in the rain-wettened black gravel before the skylight stretched out before him like an awesome dream. He looked down below it and saw the target of his life for the past nine weeks, which seemed like nine hundred years, stretched out below him, hunched over a wooden table in a circle, talking in hurried voices about profitability or something, or maybe plotting the deaths of a few more innocent people. When he thought about it in addition to looking at it, he almost puked. He half joked that his puke could break through the glass.

Enough looking around. Now is the time to act. His massive journey started as a short hop. But it ended as much more than that. His feet busted through the glass window, which shattered into a billion million pieces. He fell through unharmed as all eyes in the room turned up to look at him. Even the eyes of Bill himself.

Kayne Feenix used the super technique of Hasamimasho-Botabakobu to slow his fall down to that he clunked down right on the table in a safe and stylish manner. He had just enough time to glare right at a flabbergasted Bill Gates before the latter called his elitest guard on him. But even as the armored and mace-armed goons thundered towards him he was still unfazed.

"Bill Gates, I presume? Allow me to communicate to you my desire that you be dead."

And with that he whipped out a deck of regular, ordinary playing cards, Except that these ordinary playing cards were not just ordinary playing cards, they were the cards he used to kill the Bile-Ninjas on that fateful night. They had a little blood on them as a result. But they were only going to get more blood on them today. A lot more blood.

And then he started on his ultimate move, a move that he as a student invented himself, the Feenix Super Death Vortex. He spun himself right around on a heel while his lighting fast hands dealt out death cards like an automatic weapon, with deadly accuracy. He was invisible in a whir of movement, with a hail of bloodied cards issuing forth from his position. And those cards met their targets like a dream. The whole Bile Elite Guard was butchered into segments where they stood, splattering the whole room in blood. Also cut to small pieces by impeccably aimed cards were the conniving businessmen who turned into stacks of body parts as they sat in their chairs. Feenix was a machine in his vengeful rage and would never stop until he ran out of cards. Then he was forced to stop.

But not all the enemies were dead, though they were certainly all splattered with blood. Among those living were the higher-up head businessmen and Bile Gates, none of whom were happy.

"Enough of this. Kill him!!" Bill-san spoke.

"Aye Aye captain" , responded Jay Allard, his underling. He pulled two gold-plated fully automatic Heckhler and Coke VP70 pistols with laser sights and stocks out of his pants, took aim, and let 'er rip. He poured ammo at Feenix unceasingly, and the vast continuous stream of ejected shell cases struck a temp off to the side and killed him dead. But Jay Allard did not care, he kept pouring on the stuff. But despite the continuous flow, Jay Allard did not kill Feenix. For Feenix had mastered the art of Shinbobo-Botakomafu, of which bullet dodging was one of the most basic maneuvers. Not a single bullet touched anywhere near him as he sailed effortlessly over to an incredulous Jay Allard, whose only solution was to stand there and pump more rounds at him. It availed him nothing as one single hand gesture, the judo chop, chopped his head cleanly in half into two vertical pieces. That silenced his shooting at last. It also spilled blood and brains everywhere.

Enraged by this, Steve Ballmer, Bills' right hand man stomped, roared, and pulled out a sawed-off double-barrel shotgun from his pants. He leveled it at Feenix's head and said "Now you die, foul enemy of Bill-san!!!!!"

Unfazed as usual, Feenix retorted "No, now you die, Ballmer-Butt!" With that he knocked the shotgun barrel up and back so that it was now leveled at Ballmer's brains. But being focused totally on Feenix Ballmer didn't notice and did an evil laugh and pulled the trigger. This promptly blew off the entire top half of his head as both barrellls were emptied into it. Bile's face became painted with Steve Ballmer's brains. He wiped his glasses and mouth clean and spoke.

"Do I have to do everything by myself around here?" And with that he stood up and threw off his long coat to reveal that he WAS A CYBORG. "Resistance. Is. Futile." And then he shot two red laser beams from his eyes, which Feenix dodged like a dream. They hit a blood-drenched chair, which exploded in a fiery ball, just like Feenix's cottage. That really pissed him freaking off. He pulled a card out of the face of a dead businessman, briefly took aim, and then let fly. To his astonishment, the perfectly aimed card did nothing to The CyBillg. It just bounced off. IT laughed at the pitiful punyness of the attacks, and shot another pair of beams from its eyes. The dumbstruck Feenix didn't jump as soon as he should have, and as a result he was hit by a piece of flying paper ejected by the explosion caused by the laser beams. This gave him a paper cut.

He became enraged. No more fooling around. He grabbed another card from the middle of a disembodied hand and tossed it at the other side of The CyBillg's face, hoping that that might be the organic side. No it wasn't. It bounced off like a baseketball. A last minute drop to the ground caused Feenix to narrowly avoid a sweeping beam, which caused the window behind him to catch on fire.

Feenix quickly righted himself, powered up, and made a tremendous jump and backflip right over The CyBillg's head. He landed nicely on his feet right behind The Enemy. Before The CyBillg could turn around, the Extreme Hero tried his last trick. He pulled the Joker out of his pants. It turned out that he had wore this exact same pair of pants on that fateful day nine weeks ago. And in that pair of pants he had left a card in his pocket that he picked off the ground next to his dear dying Delilia. He had not noticed this until before he started his rampage. But now he knew exactly what to do with it. He drew it out, took extra careful aim, and finally let fly, hoping against all hope that this shot would work before The CyBillg would turn around and incinerate him with his laser eyes.

The card, like all the others, hit right on its mark. But there was something different about this card. It stuck instead of bouncing off. Actually, it did more than that. It became embedded into the back of The CyBillg's big, fat head.

And then that head exploded.

The entire room became drenched in a huge spray of blood and brains, but it was like a cleansing shower to Feenix. The body fell over and quickly caught fire and burned up. The fire spread to the desk, and then spread all over the room. Time to get out of here.

Mission accomplished. Now my heart can rest at ease.

No. Now it's time to take on Ken Kutaragi and Kaz Hirai. I'm going to be the one to attack their weak point for massive damage.

TO BE CONTINUED...


End file.
